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Jessica of death
10 October 2008 @ 03:20 pm
my best friend is a 10 week old chihuahua.
 
 
Jessica of death
04 October 2008 @ 11:40 pm
i want to help, but i don't know how.

this is what they all say when they don't know what do say. gradually, then suddenly. that's how depression hits. and all you need is someone to understand. someone to make it all seem bearable. but no one does. it's "emo" and uncalled for and unappreciated. my poor roommates, i eliminate all possible joy from our encounters and there's none left.
 
 
Jessica of death
08 August 2008 @ 11:39 pm
even as i sit here counting all the blessings that have bombarded me recently, i still sometimes worry i won't let myself make it through the night.
 
 
Jessica of death
27 June 2008 @ 02:09 pm
don't feel bad. you are one of many that have made me want to crumble into myself and stop existing. but thank you. because you have forced me to look deep into myself, and stare my own self destruction in the face... in all its devastating glory.

finally, i have discovered my it! my beauty! i no longer entertain the idea that i may be your second wife, your second (or third) choice. and i cherish it, and i try to understand it. the depth of my beauty. it is undeniably valuable and its not an object, there for some womanizer to box up and wrap in twine and place in the dusty depths of his attic until he can open me up at his convenience and use me for a short time.

i am so much more than a next wife, a post-script, an afterthought. i am the first choice, an only wife. and i deserve to be treated with reverance and respect, not like a trophy. and i will not give any of me away like a drunken kiss to a stranger.

and when my man comes around i will treasure him just the same. not because he is a luxury i have been waiting for, but because i deserve him. and i have always deserved him! and he will be my first choice. my only husband. he will be mine-MY MY MY MY MY husband.

and he will never stand to let me forget my importance and worth. he will never let my individuality sink away with feeble sighs or submissive agreements.




my beauty is a porcelain flask of sweet wine. and once he uncovers it, its his to indulge in--if he can hold it with both hands.
 
 
Jessica of death
23 June 2008 @ 09:19 pm
who wants to leave home when this is your backyard?

Photobucket




i love the nw.
 
 
 
Jessica of death
10 June 2008 @ 07:46 pm
i was sitting here, cross-legged on my bed eating chinese food and reflecting and i got the sudden urge to "blog." i re-read the past few months of this thing and it made me feel... sad. all i do is whine about life and how it's been so sour to me. it hasn't been easy, but God's been good to me.

i've been so frustrated because the past year has been a whirlwind and i've had the most terrible case of writer's block and no passion to write in here about anything real. but this will change.

it's been two days since i've talked to paul. i miss him when we aren't in contact. he always knows what to say to keep me smiling. it seems like he's the only true source of love that i know right now.

i've stopped drinking as much as i have been.
actually, i drink about as much as i always have, but with tact and poise. i can now associate the alchohol with fun times going out with friends and laughter rather than drunken nights alone in my room or the bath tub making myself bleed.
it's nice.
very nice.











guys, i'm really not the annoying sad girl you've been reading. there is LIFE in me and i wish you could see that. i love you :)
 
 
Jessica of death
01 June 2008 @ 04:05 pm
1 week. 5 days.
 
 
Jessica of death
22 May 2008 @ 11:52 pm
this is your fault. you wouldn't listen when i needed you to. couldn't be a friend.

you were too blind to see my heart breaking in your hands and wouldn't pause long enough to listen while i told you that it was. you never thought once of ME and how YOUR actions, YOUR lies, affected ME!

i'm counting the days since i've talked to you. it's been almost 3 days which is a record for us. i want to keep going. at the risk of sounding "emo"tional, i never want to talk to you again and that's something i've said numerous times to you. what's different now? this time i actually mean it.
 
 
Jessica of death
11 May 2008 @ 07:40 pm
i am always awed by my dad's selfishness.

thank you for leaving me to look my mother in the eye and tell her you're not coming to her mother's day dinner. at least YOU didn't have to watch her as she swallowed that lump in her throat and fought back tears.
and we all watched as she opened up her gifts, while you were on the computer in the other room playing poker.
and YOUR gift, a nice, new, shiny ipod... she loved it. it was the most expensive one, but the look in her eyes said she'd trade in every fancy gift you've ever bought her just to feel for one day that you love her.

i have so much resentment toward this man. what i wouldn't give to see him invest more than money into this family.
it breaks my heart to my mother's heart break everyday.
could you just, for one day, delight in the woman you've been married to for 25+ years and gave 4 children to? could you make her feel beautiful and lovely? could you put aside your stupid cars and poker games to take her out on the town?

could you?
could you give a shit, please?
 
 
Jessica of death
07 May 2008 @ 10:18 pm
i'm hungry and there is no money for food.
there is no money for anything.
i'm looking at the array of hospital bills on my bed and realizing there will be many more nights just like this one.
going to bed with an empty, growling belly and no money and waking up just the same.

i thought i had cancer. maybe cancer actually has me.